Boundaries have been something of an inconsistent constant in my life over the past years. In my personal life I have found that I have felt a sense of grief in holding boundaries. I used to consider it as part of my growth as I shed people pleasing behaviour. Until I saw this reel on Instagram. Then I realised that I was also mourning the relationship I lost (even if you’re still talking, it changes); the realisation that I had not seen the behaviour earlier & I had lost time; the future I had imagined with this person; and the painful empathy for the person I was.
Grieving a business boundary might seem peculiar at first glance, but it’s a profoundly human experience. Boundaries, whether personal or professional, are guidelines that help us navigate our interactions. When these boundaries are challenged or redefined, it can lead to a mix of emotions, including grief. So, while many are familiar with personal boundaries, I wanted to discuss how grief, boundaries, and business may appear and impact businesses.
The Loss of Familiarity
In business, we have systems & processes to guide us and they are our familiar framework of “how we do things around here”. They serve us. The issue arises when we realise that those processes no longer serve the person we are now or the business we want to have. Worse, when we need to earn more money and we let some of these systems slip by the wayside in order to earn that income. (and those red flag customers slide in). This is the most common time clients come to me with help with boundaries. They’ve been chasing clients and chasing income to pay bills, understandably so, but in the chase, they let things slide. To put their business, and themselves, back on track we put boundaries in place. They act as a ‘formwork’ to rebuild to.
With most change, we can find adapting and accommodating these new ways confronting and needing constant reminding. We like the familiar old ways, we may even long for or grieve them. What business owners benefit from is a visual reminder of what the boundary brings (family, freedom, flexibility) and to remember that these old ways no longer served them.
Change in Relationships
Yes, putting in boundaries may mean the end of relationships or them drastically changing. This can see us grieving the relationship as it was or had hoped it would become.
Establishing or holding boundaries can be awkward or even create friction. It’s a point of change and not everyone is good with change.
I also understand as a business owner that you may not want to put in boundaries, particularly with clients or when cash is tight. I am a firm believer that we teach people how to treat us. So, if you allow a client to disrespect you (or staff), constantly change deliverables (goalposts), or respond to calls/emails/texts out of hours; then they will continue to do these things – even after you’re polite or burn out.
Many of my clients hold their clients on pedestals, forgetting that it is their business, their rules, and why they started the business in the first place
(flexibility, family, not having a boss). This means that the client, or whomever you need to have the boundary with, is in control of these things – not you.
I have had varying responses to boundaries I’ve put in place and held:
– ghosting
– tantrums
– gratitude
– respect.
I can tell you that people who respond negatively, you’re better off without them and so is your business. Whenever I’ve said ‘no’ or held a boundary to one of these clients, they always appear when I need money, they are always followed up by an ideal client. So don’t be afraid of a change in relationship because of your boundaries, they are making space for what you really need.
Identity and Self-Worth
Our professional boundaries are often intertwined with our identity and self-worth. (Think you need boundaries, go back and re-read that last sentence). They reflect our values, limits, and the respect we command in our business and for ourselves. I understand that when we realise that we need boundaries, it challenges our beliefs around our identity. When boundaries are compromised or adjusted, it can challenge our sense of self and evoke feelings of inadequacy or insecurity. We can become smaller and sometimes even grieve the person we were before we needed the boundaries or grieve the fact that we needed them at all (because of the person we were).
I want to remind you that you started your business for a reason, your need for boundaries can often be associated with you accepting behaviours that keep you from achieving those reasons. I want to remind you that you teach people how to treat you. I want to remind you that you get to control what is within your control. I want to remind you that what other people think of you is their business. I want to remind you that you control your self-worth. I want to remind you that your identity is more than your role in the business.
Yes, I understand that some or all of that last paragraph may be confronting for you. But I promise you that when you internalise them, boundaries no longer become a problem, they are second nature and part of protecting yourself.
Fear of Conflict
Hello people pleasers, I was once one of you, putting my needs aside so that I kept others happy. To be honest, growing up it was a safety mechanism. So, I understand that people-pleasing and avoiding conflict can be deep seated. Honestly, few people enjoy conflict let alone provoking it.
Implementing boundaries can sometimes lead to confrontation or resistance from others. The anticipation of conflict can be distressing, especially if you are someone who values harmony and avoids disputes. The grief in this context comes from fearing the potential fallout and the emotional labour involved in setting and defending your boundaries.
Again, I want you to remember all the things I wrote in the last section, all those items I reminded you of. I want to also say that avoiding conflict for the benefit of someone else and to your detriment only teaches people that you’re not prepared or unable to stand up for yourself.
The Weight of Responsibility
As a business leader or professional, the responsibility of maintaining boundaries often falls on our shoulders. This can be daunting, especially when the
boundaries are essential for the well-being of the business and our mental health. The pressure to uphold these standards, while managing the reactions of others, can lead to feelings of grief. This is where I want you to know that you’re not alone. I understand how isolating business can feel at the best of times, let alone when we feel like we’ve been put in a position to put in and hold those boundaries that we know are needed and are beneficial but go against long standing behaviours or against the people we thought we needed (either in their time, services, products, or money). It’s in these times I remind myself that I teach people how to treat me, realign with my values and purpose, and remember that challenges often appear to clear a way for what I really want & need.
I hope by now you can see that the many benefits of holding those boundaries. The grief will pass.
Unresolved Past Experiences
Earlier I mentioned people pleasing, avoiding conflict, & how it kept me safe in the past. Putting in boundaries, for me, has also meant grieving what I thought might be. So I don’t have a crystal ball & can’t see that for a fact but surely I’m not alone in developing a relationship and hoping for what it might become. (Hello staff, retainer clients and supplier relationships) It hurts when you see their true colours or things change and you have to put in boundaries.
Sometimes, the grief associated with business boundaries is linked to unresolved past experiences or hopes of a future. If you’ve previously encountered situations where your boundaries were disregarded or you were taken advantage of, setting new boundaries can trigger those old wounds. The grief here is the past pains resurfacing.
Personal Growth and Transition
I admit, in the past I have felt resentful for having to put in boundaries. Being the bigger person. The one who does the right thing. The one who calls out bad behaviour. It gets tiring. In this time I have grown and embodied what is within my control. My boundaries & how I accept being treated is absolutely within my control. It was when I realised that this was also the key to being free of the fear of other people’s opinions that I was comfortable with whatever came from those boundaries. That doesn’t mean that it has been easy, it just means that I have learnt to be ok with grieving the relationships, the missed opportunities, and the person I was. You see, I do these for me. My business is here for my freedom & flexibility. I will not negotiate away what I’m not comfortable to give freely.
What I know is that when we need to make these changes, the cost of the change has to be less than the cost of staying where we are. What is often not considered, with business boundaries, is the cost of staying where we are. The cost of bad staff, red flag clients, unreliable suppliers. We do eventually get to a point where we just can’t shoulder that cost any more & we need to put in boundaries to protect our business, staff, and ourselves & why we run our own business.
Grieving your business boundary is a valid and understandable reaction to the complex emotions that arise as business owners. Be patient with yourself, seek support if needed, and remember that setting boundaries is a crucial step towards creating a healthier, more productive business. Embrace the grief as part of your growth, and trust that it will lead to stronger, clearer boundaries & business in the long run.
