I want to talk to you about what other people think, and why we say the saying, what other people think is none of my business. So I’m going to go through why we think it matters, why it really doesn’t matter, and what the benefits are of actually not worrying about what other people think.
Why we think it matters
So why do we actually think it matters what other people think of us? Well, I suppose a lot of the time we’re raised to believe that I know certainly for me growing up, I was raised to believe that I should be a good girl, I should be nice, I should be happy, don’t upset people, don’t create waves, those kinds of things.
So, it can be actually one of those traits that we’re raised to believe is being nice, being kind, and keeping other people happy. So that all relates back to this idea of people pleasing. And for those of us, and I am a reformed people pleaser, we believe that we should keep people happy, don’t make them angry, don’t make them upset, and what it does is it makes us play smaller than what we really should. And sometimes it can mean that we are not our authentic selves. And I don’t mean our authentic selves in the very trite social media way of thinking about things.
I really mean being us and being true to ourselves. And as business owners, we hear the saying that people buy from people that they know, like and trust. And being authentically ourselves, it makes it easier for our leads and our clients to know and trust us. And that’s important for making sales.
Why do we people please?
There are 2 real main reasons why we people please. The first one is our ability to control the outcomes. So, if we control the way people think about us, we believe that we can control how they react towards us. Because it’s our doing. And the other I’ve seen in conversations online saying that that’s actually a really selfish way to look at things. It gives no agency to the other person to have control over how they behave.
Ability to control outcomes
So, people pleasing and why we think it does matter what other people think of us. It’s a way for us to control our environment and others. And a lot of the reasons why we want to be able to control others and how they can react towards us is because it keeps us safe. A lot of the times, you know, it’s so we know what’s going to happen, and that’s a safety thing. If we don’t know how somebody’s going to behave towards us, we can feel unsafe.
Perhaps you grew up in an environment where, things were unpredictable. Things were unsafe, and it was literally a physical safety thing or an emotional safety thing. And for other people, it’s just that unpredictability. We need that emotional safety. It’s not that we feel unsafe.
Why it doesn’t matter:
We can’t & shouldn’t control what others think of us
It’s just that emotional certainty or safety that we need. So that’s why people often think that it’s important what other people think of us; other than
that whole, you know, we’ve got a kind of status to hold and maintain. But why it actually doesn’t matter what other people think of us is that we truly can’t and shouldn’t control what others think of us. It’s not our job. It’s on them, it’s their thoughts, their opinions, their beliefs.
Everyone holds a different version of us in their minds
And this leads into the next part of it. You see, everyone holds a different version of us in their mind. For example, I was talking to a friend about this the other day, and they’re saying, I only ever meet up with this person at the gym. We go to the gym together. And we decided that we were going to meet for a coffee.
And they were really taken aback because they met during the working day, not on the weekend when they normally go to the gym. And their friend was really taken aback by how they presented. They’re like, what’s this? Why are you all in business time? I only ever see you in gym clothes, hot and sweaty, and we’re talking about this is not how I see you.
And so they realised that how this other person who’d seen them had always been in a gym environment, and that had created the persona that they’d had of them in their mind. So it can literally be how we physically look to others. I know when I’m speaking, people will say to me, but you don’t look like that. I don’t understand you don’t look like that. Of course I don’t look like that.
I don’t normally get dressed up in a suit, and I don’t normally do my hair, and I don’t normally wear makeup. So people are expected to see me a particular way if the one way that they see me is just when I’m speaking. So there’s that. But deeper than that physiological appearance that we present to other people, everyone goes into and psychologists know this everyone goes into a scenario with their own mental construct around things. So we go into situations with our own history, which is our own baggage that we’re taking to any situation, our own fears, our own needs, so my friends’ conversation, the other person they go to the gym with had their own set of needs about how they met with my friend.
And when I speak, people that I’m speaking to, the presentations that I give, they come to that situation, a particular set of needs, for what they’re going to get out of that interaction that we have. They have their own beliefs, so they have their own beliefs about me, or you, or your business, or the situation that they find that you tend to interact in. But also generally, they have their own values as well. And they have their own goals about situations. And those 5 things that I’ve just gone through are core drivers of human motivation and human behaviour.
And so every situation that we go into, that is the basis that we go into a situation where sometimes one will drive us more than the other. Most people will hear that we generally react from a place of fear, but sometimes we don’t. Sometimes it’s our needs, sometimes it’s our beliefs. And so understanding that we all have our own version of each other based on our own fears, beliefs, values and goals can be actually quite confronting, but can also be really quite freeing as well. And when you think about it, and if I take this back to a more probably an easier way for people to understand this, your partner or spouse will have a different version of you that not only you present to them, but they see.
And your parents, and your siblings, and your work colleagues, and your staff, and then your clients, and then the person that you get your coffee from, the stranger that you may see in the street, the person that you see, you know, maybe 2 or 3 times a year to your good friends and friends that you’ve had from your schooling, from work, from being a parent, they all have different versions of you that sit in them. And that’s what they’re going to use, that’s what they’re going to come from when they interact with you. So this is why what other people think of you is really none of your business, or why it actually doesn’t matter. Because you really can’t control it. They’re the ones that control it because they’re the ones that control their fears, their needs, their beliefs, their values and their goals.
You have no agency over that. You may try to influence it, but it’s up to them to decide whether or not they take that on and whether or not they make that change. So when you internalise that, when you really deeply understand that you cannot control it, and that there are as many versions of you out there, and of course we have our own versions of ourselves as well, but there are many versions of you out there floating around in people’s minds, that there are people that you’ve interacted with, you really I don’t know, I feel humbled by the fact that I can’t. I physically cannot control all of those different versions of me that are out there in the world. And I do truly mean it in the world, because in this environment of social media and video broadcasting, There are so many people out there that I do not know, but have got an opinion of me and a version of me that lives freely in their mind.
So when you understand that and you internalise that, you can start to become free of needing that control. It can be scary, coming to that realisation that you can’t control it. But there are parts to this, and this is just part of a journey of freeing up this need to control things. And I’m going to go and talk about the reasons and the benefits why this is actually an important change to make. First of all, it’s actually part of their journey.
Benefits of not worrying what others think
How they perceive you
How people perceive me is part of their journey through life. And it can change. I have had people change the way that they see me. Even family members. For the good or for the worst.
But what will often happen is they will come around, and they will come around to seeing me more of the way that I see myself and present myself. And sometimes I’ve had them go, ‘hey look, I really had you wrong, I really made a mistake, I shouldn’t have been doing this this way, can we move on, can we move forward?
Understand that you may be faced with someone’s opinion of you that really doesn’t resonate with who you are or who you see yourself as. If you keep showing up as your authentic self, hopefully that person will come around to seeing you the same way or a similar way.
But that’s on them. That’s their journey. Let them. And I really encourage you to look a lot if this is something that you feel influences the way that show up in the world. I really encourage you to look at the let them philosophy and start to bring you into your daily life.
You can’t control it
So you actually have to let them. You have to let them have that way of seeing you and acting and reacting to you. It’s their journey. It’s not on you. It’s the way they perceive you.
It’s not in you. How they see you is not your version of you. If you show up as your authentic self, that’s the only caveat on this. So from that is a really big thing that psychologists know and understand is that once you remove that need to control and you start to bring your need to control really on what is within your control. Psychologists call that an internal locus of control, so that you focus on what is within your control. And the key word really there is within.
It is within you
So the first thing I knew when I moved into this way of thinking is that I no longer felt like I needed to tie myself up in not trying to influence and
control the way that others felt, acted and reacted towards me. And it’s a massive relief, because it takes so much energy to try and control that, and hold all of those versions of you within your control. So that’s one of the ways that it really benefits you. You no longer feel like you are trying to control these things and hold them all as well.
The other way it impacts you is that you are strengthening that internal locus of control. And this is the bit that I really want to speak about. So our internal locus of control, psychologists know and have shown that it is part of what protects us from a fear of other people’s opinions. So a fear of other people’s opinions of what we’re doing.
Are they going to like it?
You know, a lot of owners come to me and say, ‘Kara, I don’t want to show up on social media because I’m worried that I’m going to be trolled’. And that’s really the fear of other people’s opinions. Because the reality is that very few of us actually get trolled. And if we do, kind of go, oh, is that the worst that you can save us? 9 times out of 10, they’re talking about how we present ourselves physically, not about what we actually say. And so that’s one of the first things is that fear of other people’s opinions.
Benefits of an internal locus of control
We are less affected by that once we have an internal locus of control, which means that we are really only focused on what is within our control. The benefit of that so one is the fear of other people’s opinions, another is not having feeling like you need to tie yourself up and not to control all of these versions of you that are out there, and you’re never going to be able to control them all, is that we tend to find we have a better level of motivation. Psychologists know that if we are always coming from our own place of control, we tend to be more motivated to do things that we need to do, to the things that we want to do.
That’s a really good thing as a business owner, especially a small business owner. When you may be a solopreneur, it’s just you and your business and you wear all the hats. Having a greater level of motivation is a brilliant thing for you and for your business. Another one is boundaries.
Boundaries
When I have clients who come to me and they say, Kara, look, I really need help setting boundaries because I feel like I’m only bringing in red-flagged clients, or the clients that I have tend to you know, stretch the goalposts, we have scope creep on projects, or they’re contacting me out of hours, or, they’re not paying on time or they’re not paying it at all.
I really need help with that. Well that’s all about the boundaries that that person has and is willing to set in place and to hold. And when you have a stronger internal locus of control, and you are more secure, which means you’re more secure in yourself, having and holding boundaries is actually easier because you are not worried about what the other person thinks of you. So it’s going to help your business as well because one, you may be quite happy to turn away those red flag clients. And I’ve seen this, I’ve done that myself, I’ve turned them away.
No more red flag clients
Or I’ve had clients that have let the red flag clients go. Once they have a better understanding and a higher internal locus of control, they let them go, I don’t need you. And guess what, when you let those clients go, you make space for the better ones to actually come in. Because you’ve got time, you’ve got capacity. And not just the hours and the days and the week, but you’ve got the mental capacity to take those better clients on as well, because those red flag clients take up so much energy, so much time, so much mental work.
Space for your ideal client
You really are better off without them, and there are better things and better clients out there just waiting for your availability. So boundaries are a brilliant byproduct of no longer worrying about what other people think of you.
Authenticity
It’s so much easier to show up as your authentic self when you are more comfortable with who you are and how you show up in the world because you are no longer worried about what other people think of you. And it takes time.
Happiness & income
I can be honest in saying it has taken me years to come to a place where I truly and honestly feel okay with where I am and who I am, and I have that internal locus of control. I’ve got to say it took a crisis for me to get there, but it’s so worthwhile when you do. Guess what happens when you can be authentically yourself? You’re happier. You’re happier.
And the brilliant thing about happiness and business is that when you’re happier, it shows in your work. But also when you’re happier, your clients are happier, and happy clients spend more money. So there are so many benefits from this internal locus of control and no longer worrying about what other people think of us. So I hope this has really helped you understand why what other people think of you is really none of your business. How you can actually change that, why it’s important to change that way of thinking, and how it’s actually going to benefit not just you, but your business and your clients as well. Please know I’m here to help.
