Self-confidence for introverts, like me, isn’t about feeling fearless, it’s about recognising the proof that you already can. At a recent women in business conference, I was reminded that the evidence of who we are speaks louder than self-doubt ever could.
As I was driving in to the South Australian Women in Business Conference, my mind started to wander. I realised it was my first conference, in years, that I had attended as a participant and not as a speaker. It was a grounding thought. I also realised that I had no fear, self-doubt, or anxiety driving in. In fact, I felt a calm self-confidence.
I am an introvert, and while I am a regular conference speaker, including keynotes, I find conferences draining and make me anxious. As a speaker, I have a role to play. I am an expert. I have people coming up to me wanting to tell me how I have impacted them, helped them, and asking how to manage their own self-doubt. Ironic I know.
So this feeling of self-confidence was new to me as an introvert and I wanted to dig into it. The more I know and understand where these feelings come from, the more I can help you.
Comparison & self-confidence for introverts
I know it’s common for people to feel anxious attending a conference alone. I was alone, but I’m also ok with attending events
alone. I do it often and while I’ve had my time of looking around and wondering, “who am I to be here”, “I don’t belong here”, “OMG, everyone is going to be further along than I am”, this time I didn’t have it.
I am not sure when the comparison trap had left my mind. What I know is when a focus on what was in my control started. What I know is that when I focus on what I know, what is in my control, on the evidence I have in my abilities – comparison ceases to exist. I also know that comparison, and our brains, loves the constant chatter and self-doubt. The one reliable killer of comparison is focusing on what is within my control. Without that, I am looking at others and that fuels my comparison.
Note: In the break out session, I was in a group where some of the women made me feel like I was in the school yard. The speaker was talking about the impact of AI and not knowing how we can help younger generations be more aware of the negative influence of fake information. I spoke up, I never do that as I don’t want to overshadow the speaker, and spoke about some research about online propaganda and how critical thinking is the only thing that can protect us from fake news and propaganda. My voice was so shaky, I had stuffed down the ‘who am I’ knowing full well I was the best person to make the statement. At the end, the speaker thanked me, they had no idea about the research.
That shaky-voiced moment reminded me that confidence isn’t about being fearless—it’s about showing up anyway.
Self-acceptance & self-confidence as an introvert
As I continued to drive in, I realised that not speaking meant that I could just be. I didn’t have to think about the expectations I carry as a speaker. I could just be. Better still, it was my first event run by the organiser, so I wasn’t likely to know many people. (I was so wrong about that last bit)
What this thought process did was not just give me permission to be, but again it had me thinking. I don’t need anyone’s permission to be. Expectations are outside of my control and I as such, I am in no place to carry them.
I realised something more important than to be, I needed to lean into self-acceptance. This didn’t mean that I had to like, love, or think that I was better than. No, it meant accepting myself as I am, as I be.
By this time I had arrived at the venue, tried to use the wrong app to park my car. Moved my car. Realised I was using the wrong app. Moved my car again. Logged into the right app. Had to update payment details, twice. Finally organized parking. By this time, I had totally forgotten my awesome ideas for a video (which I am now telling to you here) and was getting close to running late.
Walking in, I made myself take some long deep breaths and reminded myself I was there to enjoy myself and that I wasn’t speaking, so I could just be.
Coincidentally, only days earlier I was chatting with my eldest, they mentioned that they had realised that they couldn’t expect anyone else to like them if they didn’t like themselves. I realise that if I had gone into the conference armoured up, worried what others might think of me, defensive, not only wouldn’t I have been as open as I was to the experience, I would have put out a defensive air. Not a vibe that attracts the right people. Definitely not a mood that screams self-confidence, more a don’t mess with me.
Surrounding yourself with the right people & self-confidence
There is a benefit from being a speaker, you meet a wide range of people. The downside, for us introverts, is that you meet a wide
range of people. Honestly, there is a difference between meeting all the people and meeting the right people.
I see a lot of people clambering to speak with the speakers. I’ve even heard the phrase ‘proximity is power’. The thing I know is that the right people don’t need to align themselves or near themselves to people with power.
I think the right people differs for each of us. Personally, they are genuine, clearly behave in alignment with their values, ask thoughtful questions, ask for help (they don’t expect it), show respect, and are deeply passionate about something.
At the conference, I spoke with a lot of people. The right ones left me feeling good and energised. Others left me feeling drained or worse, like I’d been back in the school yard. There’s enough out there to drain our energy & how we feel about ourselves, people should never be one of them.
I also enjoyed the speakers. It was refreshing, as someone who often feels like she is screaming into a vacuum, to hear like-minded people. It reminded me that I am doing the right thing and that I am on the right path. For the day, I didn’t feel alone. I also got to hear other perspectives and it made me think of things I would add, in a ‘yes, and’ way.
Note: Taryn Brumfitt was the keynote, someone I had supported and admired for years. She had me nodding but also encouraged polite persistence. This is what got me up to introduce myself to her and how I had followed her and how impactful it had been personally. I cried. Not because I was nervous, but because I realised how important it was, to me, my family, and to Taryn. I knew I was part of something bigger.
Self-confidence & evidence
Thinking back across the day, I realise now that self-confidence for introverts isn’t a feeling you find, or wake up with, one day. Self-confidence isn’t something I had to wait for before I took action, I knew that one a while ago.
What I realise is that self-confidence comes from evidence, evidence that you’ve already done hard things, walked into rooms alone, spoken up and had your voice shake, walked up to people you wanted to talk to even though you were sure you were “dying inside’. It’s realising that you just being is enough, it’s more than enough. It’s turning up and knowing that the right people have you. That they support you. It’s knowing that you can only control what is within your control, and that includes what others think and how they behave. And when these realisations come from a place of experience, data, and fact they are more than words people say, they are your reality. So here is your reminder:
3 ways to recognise evidence of self-confidence:
- You’ve done hard things before and survived.
- You can speak up even when your voice shakes.
- You trust that being yourself is enough.
And that is self-confidence. Self-confidence isn’t waiting to feel ready. It’s trusting the evidence that you already are.
